i just snorted my name. best moment ever
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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