I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
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