Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
