That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
