you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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