just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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