had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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