i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
