Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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