I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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