Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
