So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
