I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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