Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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