he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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