So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
