tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
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