The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
