is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize