Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
