i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
