I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
