Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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