I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
