oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
