Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
