My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
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