wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize