i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
In America we eat man semen.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
