I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
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