I think my fart just growled at me.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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