why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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