The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
