i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
