Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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