I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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