I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
