I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize