Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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