I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
