I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize