I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
