She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
