i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
