I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize