He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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