No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
