Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
