Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
