and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
