I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
