guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
