You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
