I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
