seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
