i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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