Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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