I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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