you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
His hands were made for my vagina.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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