Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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