Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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