using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
