Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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