Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
