you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
