fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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