I can feel you judging me through the phone.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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