Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
