we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
